= nikkimountain: January 2006
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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

  • Cookers

  • This is the first low budget movie I've seen in a long time that actually had me at the edge of my seat. This movie is wild!!!!

    Saturday, January 28, 2006

    Diagnose me

    mental_illness, mental_disease, psychopathy
    Definition: Any disease of the mind; the psychological state of someone who has emotional or behavioral problems serious enough to require psychiatric intervention
    -- Acute stress disorder .......check
    -- Adjustment disorders .......check
    -- Alcohol and substance abuse.... only "recreationally"
    -- Amnesia.......when its convinient
    -- Anxiety disorders...............check
    -- Antisocial personality disorder.........absolutely
    -- Attention deficit disorder..........HUGE CHECK..
    -- Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder
    -- Avoidant personality disorder........only when it comes to bill collectors, ex boyfriends, or stalkers
    -- Bipolar disorder ....well thats debatable..
    -- Borderline personality disorder ........check
    -- Brief psychotic disorder.......only briefly
    -- Cannabis addiction....No...thats probably the problem
    -- Conduct disorder ......only sexually
    -- Conversion disorder.....Ok this is communist..how dare they?
    -- Delusional disorder...Oh you mean like actually believeing the guy you're with is faithful?
    -- Dependent personality disorder.....check
    -- Depersonalization disorder.....only if I were to go to bed with a 10 and wake up with a 2 .....which ofcourse I never do
    -- Depression.....CHECK.... thats called single during holidays
    -- Disorder of written expression.....this blog will answer that
    -- Dissociative identity disorder ....do you know any teenager who didnt have this? .....I still have it
    -- Enuresis (bedwetting) ....Only once....Thanks for the Tequila Mexico
    -- Exhibitionism..... If this is a disorder..well it all makes sense now.
    -- Expressive language disorder..... Check, yes sometimes I forget to say "Mother" before "Fucker"
    -- Female and male orgasmic disorders..apperently since I am a female and I am able to orgasm....I'de say thats a disorder?
    -- Fetishism....... CHECK
    -- Generalized anxiety disorder..... check
    -- General adaptation syndrome...Check...I have never adapted to the fact that the government is corrupt, politicians are liars, kids are starving in Africa, etc etc...Can't think about it or I'll Have a "Panic Attack"
    -- Intermittent explosive disorder.......I'm female..I get PMS..and I date men.. CHECK
    -- Kleptomania...Only mens hearts.....and their balls
    -- Down syndrome.......red bull and vodka
    -- Mania.....is that the feeling I get when I am shoe shopping?
    -- Mathematics disorder....Holy shit.... why didnt they just name this female disorder?
    -- Mental retardation....only while hungover
    -Multiple personality disorder....No But that would be kind of cool.
    -- Narcissistic personality disorder....According to everyone else.. check
    -- Narcolepsy
    -- Nightmare disorder.. Yeah I don't have enough of them...
    -- Obsessive-compulsive disorder...like listening to the joy division song "Disorder" 10 times in a row?
    -- Oppositional defiant disorder .....Well my family and friends might check this one for me
    -- Pain disorder.......check... its called dating
    -- Panic attacks ....check.....reality=panic attacks
    -- Paranoid personality disorder....no way.. I'm like a shark when it comes to fear
    -- Pathological gambling......yep
    -- Post-traumatic stress disorder .....aka post relationship disorder
    -- Premature ejaculation...yeah but im allowed...you're not
    -- Primary insomnia.....check
    -- Psychotic disorder, not otherwise specified...Well If I was Psychotic I wouldnt know I was psychotic so I cant answer that
    -- Pyromania......only when it comes to bills
    -- Reading disorder " "
    -- Separation anxiety disorder.....yes when it comes to my money
    -- Sexual Masochism and Sadism.......I plead the fifth...damn I'm Canadian, ok so just assume I'm busy sharpening my ice skates and leave it at that
    -- Shared psychotic disorder....Isnt that called marriage?
    -- Sleepwalking disorder.....check... this excuse comes in really handy
    -- Social phobia....check..since the goverment makes up 1/2 of the population
    -- Specific phobias....yep.. the male species
    -- Stuttering....Only when I lie.....
    -- Tourette syndrome.....check Tell your family you have tourettes and you can swear like a trucker at family functions and get away with it
    -- Voyeurism.. not yet....

    Thursday, January 26, 2006


    Lately I have had relentless cravings for sushi. I am eating, breathing, and dreaming sushi. I had a dream that sashimi were falling from the sky...It went from once every few months, to once a month, to once a week, to four times a week. Eating it four times a week seems fairly restrained considering that I'm craving it on a daily basis!!!!! My God, pretty soon I am going to grow scales and my legs are going to mutate into a fish tail. So I looked it up on the internet to see if there were any other sushi addicts, like maybe there is a program for it called SA, or something! I found that there is actually a movie called True Confessions of a Sushi Addict?! Wtf?! What are they putting in this stuff?
  • True Confessions of a Sushi Addict
  • Wednesday, January 25, 2006

    These Days....

    I've been totally happy....happier than ever. You know what that means right?
    That means I've become boring. I'm only interesting when I'm ready to do a face dive off of a cliff.

    Tuesday, January 24, 2006

  • A Short Insight...Plato
  • QuickPost from FotoFlix

    Posted by nikki

    Monday, January 23, 2006

    714 Things to be Cynical About

    alpha males
    women who try to be alpha males
    good ol' boys who become president
    bimbos who become celebrities
    all other celebrities
    prima donnas
    people who take dictation
    slackers who pretend to be workaholics
    slackers who don't pretend to be workaholics
    mindless office drones who get promoted to management
    people who use pretentious French words
    pedophile priests
    internal parasites
    investment bankers
    old-money snobs
    new-money snobs
    fashion snobs
    food snobs
    health-and-fitness snobs
    "I'm hipper than you'll ever be in your dreams" snobs
    upwardly-mobile career snobs
    "team players"
    the fine print
    broken contracts
    overbooked flights
    canceled concerts
    annulled marriages
    returned gifts
    recalled automobiles
    planned obsolescence
    knowing that your two-year-old $2000 computer is now a mere toy
    $500 electronic handheld organizers that are almost as efficient as $30 loose-leaf organizers
    27-year-old Silicon Valley millionaires
    computer literacy replacing literary literacy
    computer viruses
    software bugs
    unfathomable computer video games that are instantly mastered by subliterate pre-adolescents
    the values instilled by video games (if it gets in your way, nuke it)
    thinking about a future society run by people nurtured on video games
    watching helplessly as a full day's work is eaten alive by your PC
    watching the hourglass hang for two, three, four minutes
    "application has stopped responding to the system"
    "server does not have a DNS entry"
    spending three hours on the internet in a futile search for information
    the fact that you could have obtained the information in three minutes by opening a book
    the proliferation of websites featuring naked people exchanging bodily fluids
    the fact that those websites are more popular than yours or mine
    spam! spam! spam! spam!
    losing half our free time to internet addiction
    losing most of our day to meaningless work
    having to play office politics
    having to play golf with your superiors
    the term "superiors"
    the term "subordinates"
    cubicles and other sensory deprivation cells
    people who thrive in cubicles
    people who thrive on 14-hour workdays
    people who take their cell phones on vacation
    "A" students who end up working for "C" students
    "It takes money to make money"
    "It's not what you know, it's who you know"
    the "power words" used on resumes to impress employers
    the fact that employers are impressed with power words on resumes
    college graduates who have to settle for a job at Blockbuster
    the salaries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
    the miseries of liberal arts graduates in the business world
    prostituting yourself for less than a prostitute makes
    staying at a job you detest because the alternatives are even worse
    people who get promoted on the basis of the right shoes or haircut
    people who get promoted because they resemble their vice president
    executive bonuses that exceed your annual salary
    the "fast track"
    the "glass ceiling"
    being underemployed
    being overworked
    being reprimanded
    being ignored
    being framed
    being demoted
    being moved into the hallway
    watching everyone but you rise to the level of their incompetence
    the annual incomes of CEOs
    the writing ability of CEOs
    multimillion-dollar "golden parachutes" awarded to dismissed CEOs
    the practice of terminating veteran employees a year before retirement
    the term "terminating"
    calling downsizing "rightsizing"
    downsizing profitable companies for the sole purpose of wooing investors
    the fact that investors reward companies for downsizing
    the fact that companies now exist primarily to woo investors
    bonuses and stock options for executives who "trimmed the fat"
    diet plans -- all 2,178 of them
    joggers who perform ostentatious stretching exercises in public places
    fitness zealots who carry hand weights when they walk
    self-infatuated bodybuilders who know all their muscles by name
    health-food fanatics who faint at the sight of a cheeseburger
    health-food fanatics who smoke
    anorexia nervosa (just put the food in your mouth and CHEW!)
    restaurant patrons who send back perfectly edible food to impress their dinner dates
    snippy waiters who would rather be snippy actors
    waiters who tell you their name, call themselves "servers," and expect a 25% tip
    waiting half an hour for a salad
    waiting twenty minutes for your check
    fussy, oily yuppie cuisine
    anything with pesto sauce
    "herbed" anything
    "fruited" anything
    anything with ingredients that require you to consult a glossary
    gated communities
    $600,000 yuppie homes on 1/4-acre lots
    yuppie parents jockeying to get their child into a prestigious nursery school
    the growing gap between haves and have-nots
    doctors marrying doctors
    lawyers marrying lawyers
    men marrying men
    computer geeks marrying computer geeks
    professional jargon: the Tower of Babel revisited
    the fact that people expect you to understand their jargon
    "Big Brother is watching you"
    mass movements
    mass media
    mass murder
    mass marketing
    the pathetic scripts read by poor underpaid telemarketing agents
    saying "yes" so we don't hurt the poor underpaid telemarketing agent's feelings
    junk mail
    the time we spend sorting through junk mail
    the fact that junk mail is written by people who wanted to be writers
    "Urgent: Reply Requested!"
    "You may already have won!"
    "If you're the winner, we will say MR. OCCUPANT HAS WON $9,000,000.00!"
    "A special offer exclusively for Mr. Occupant"
    "No strings attached!"
    "FREE GIFT!"
    televised trials
    medieval trials (if you drown, you're innocent; if you float, you're guilty)
    the irrelevance of the truth in all trials
    jury rigging
    plea bargaining
    murderers acquitted because their side had smarter lawyers
    innocent people sentenced because the OTHER side had smarter lawyers
    convicted murderers paroled after serving six months of a life sentence
    prisons that offer free education, VCRs, and complimentary mints on the pillows
    legal loopholes
    divorce settlements (both spouses lose; both lawyers win)
    lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
    lawyers who encourage lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
    the absurd amounts of money awarded to people who spill coffee on themselves
    the absurd amounts of money awarded to lawyers who prosecute lawsuits by people who spill coffee on themselves
    the cost of private medical care
    the tyranny of managed medical care
    the inefficiency of public medical care
    dying during a tonsillectomy
    the fact that your death will be referred to as a "negative patient healthcare outcome"
    health insurance companies that force hospitals to release patients as soon as the anesthesia wears off
    health insurance being denied to the people most likely to get sick
    health insurance as a capitalist enterprise
    health insurance that covers 80% of a $500,000 medical bill
    having a heart attack two days after your health insurance expires
    the effects of age and gravity on the human body
    shrinking from your original height
    going senile
    losing control of your bladder as a reward for reaching old age
    drugs whose side effects are worse than the disease
    cancer: opportunism incarnate
    Alzheimer's disease
    Tourette's syndrome
    St. Vitus' dance
    chronic sinusitis
    yeast infections
    athlete's foot
    gum disease
    crotch rot
    mad cow disease
    male-pattern baldness
    irritable bowel syndrome
    having to worry about your blood pressure and cholesterol
    the fact that worrying about your blood pressure and cholesterol will probably raise both of them
    the fact that virtually everything that tastes good can kill you
    subsisting on granola only to find that it contains more saturated fat than two Big Macs
    the wretchedness of heart-healthy diets (we are not RABBITS!)
    regaining more weight after a diet than you lost during it
    people who watch their fat intake and keel over at 47
    people who eat lard, smoke two packs a day, and live to be 97
    the likelihood that the survivors were also much HAPPIER during their long lives
    suspecting that you'll be more like #221 than #222
    the smugness of lucky people
    the smugness of high-school in-crowders
    the even worse smugness of art-world in-crowders
    the empty pretentiousness of most modern art
    performance artists: street loonies with foundation grants
    artists who gain attention by exhibiting their own bodily excretions
    artists who pass off collections of scrap metal as sculpture -- and have them deposited on idyllic college campuses
    artists who decorate an empty canvas with one horizontal stripe
    art critics who see profound meaning in an empty canvas with one horizontal stripe
    movie critics who give rave reviews to bad films so their names will appear in newspaper ads
    critics who call every passable film or play a "masterpiece"
    critics who trash a film, play or book for the chance to turn a clever phrase
    designated bestsellers stacked four feet high in the bookstore window
    good books going out of print because nobody knows about them
    nondescript chain bookstores driving out quirky independent bookstores
    celebrity authors who earn more for one ghostwritten book than 100 editors make in a year
    the state of publishing today
    the state of Nevada
    bogus fun
    bogus ANYTHING
    breast implants
    sex-change operations
    bad toupees
    good toupees
    blazing white dentures
    used-car dealers
    chain letters
    pyramid schemes
    people who refer to pyramid schemes as "multi-level marketing"
    euphemisms like "differently abled" and "mentally challenged"
    oxymorons like "military intelligence" and "corporate culture"
    "Catch-22" situations; e.g., "you can't get a job unless you already have a job"
    millionaire ballplayers who grumble about their salaries
    artificial turf, polyester uniforms, costumed mascots and other tackiness on the field
    team owners who fire managers for losing the World Series
    free agents who jump from team to team like hungry fleas
    boxers who bite off their opponents' ears or other body parts
    "great white hopes" = great white dopes
    college football teams made up of convicted felons
    pro football players who either strut ostentatiously or pray ostentatiously each time they score a touchdown
    female sports reporters allowed into men's locker rooms
    male sports reporters allowed into women's locker rooms (as if!)
    sports teams with singular names; e.g., the Utah Jazz
    sports teams with absurdly incongruous names; e.g., the Utah Jazz
    sports parents who browbeat their kids for screwing up on the field
    asinine chants of "We're #1!" (Americans always have to be #1)
    sports fanatics who live vicariously through their teams
    nerds who live vicariously through "Star Trek"
    anyone who lives vicariously through any soap opera
    celebrity worship
    wealth without taste
    taste without wealth
    shamelsss celebrity promotional vehicles like "Entertainment Tonight"
    John Tesh, shameless composer
    "Candle in the Wind"
    eulogies delivered by clergymen who didn't know the deceased
    how we forget good people after their deaths and remember Attila the Hun
    Gresham's Law: the bad drives out the good
    the worldwide triumph of cockroaches
    the worldwide triumph of rats
    the worldwide triumph of American popular culture
    absurd foreign imitations of American popular culture: Russian nightclubs, Czech rock groups, Japanese jazz bands, Turkish soap operas
    the profitability of bad taste
    the bad taste graveyard: disco, leisure suits, velvet clown paintings
    pinkie rings and gold chains on wealthy building contractors
    bad art in hotel/motel rooms
    the fact that those bad artists can afford to stay in hotels with GOOD art
    romance novels with Fabio on the cover
    Elvis and Princess Diana collectibles
    the fact that the majority of autographed sports collectibles are fakes
    the need to purchase separate shoes for walking, jogging, tennis and basketball
    selling advertising space on anything that doesn't move and some things that DO (buses, stock cars, Olympic athletes)
    people who sell cemetery plots or penny stocks over the phone
    ingenious high-pressure sales tactics that make us feel stupid if we say "no" and even stupider after we say "yes"
    buying things on sale: spending money to save money
    annual "going out of business" sales
    people who spend an hour clipping coupons so they can save 87 cents
    receiving Christmas catalogs in August
    discovering there's no Santa Claus
    the ugly, insanely popular, hard-to-obtain toys that parents must buy to appease their children
    the fact that parents NEED to appease their own children
    cheap toys with hundreds of dollars worth of accessories to buy
    toys merchandised as movie tie-ins
    the licensing of dead celebrities
    people who gain an identity by wearing t-shirts with commercial logos
    "As seen on TV!"
    the bewildering success of home shopping channels ("Who would ever watch nonstop commercials?," asked the cynic)
    infomercials for psychic hotlines, motivational tapes, exercise machines and baldness remedies
    people who have nothing better to do at night than watch infomercials
    people who promise they'll call but never do
    people who complain because you promised to call but never do
    people who ask "How are you?" but don't really want to know
    people who make you miserable
    the fact that you ALLOW people to make you miserable
    that luck is definitely a factor in getting what you want
    that you can make your own luck but nobody tells you how
    being unlucky in love
    being unlucky in the stock market
    stocks that plummet after you buy them
    stocks that go through the roof after you sell them
    having to pay your broker a commission on losing stocks
    the fact that your broker has no incentive to sell you WINNING stocks as long as you pay a commission on losing stocks
    the fact that the entire economy of the free world is in the hands of gamblers
    church bingo
    Wall Street, the world's biggest casino
    that American Indians have to operate casinos to survive
    Las Vegas
    lounge acts
    Frank Sinatra after 1970
    pop music after 1970
    life after 1970
    giving up
    prejudice against fat people
    prejudice against dark-skinned people
    prejudice against excessively stupid and excessively intelligent people
    prejudice against people with big noses
    prejudice against ugly women
    prejudice against gentle men
    "all men are created equal"
    "the pursuit of happiness"
    chronic disappointment
    expecting rewards in the hereafter
    the apparent indifference of God
    the possibility that God is a myth
    the possibility that God is a crank
    the possibility that God is a jokester
    the prevalence of unbelieving theologians: NOT a good sign
    the perverse intelligence of inanimate objects that roll just out of reach
    boxtops that tear as you open them
    paper grocery bags that tear when they're full of glass jars
    toilet paper that tears as you use it
    price labels that won't come off without tearing the product
    plastic bags you have to open with your teeth
    "twist-off" bottlecaps that rip your fingers
    VCRs so complicated that you need an engineering degree to program them
    500 channels and nothing you want to watch
    electronic gadgets that come with incoherent instructions written by well- intentioned Asians
    major appliances that break down two days after the warranty expires
    traffic lights that are programmed to turn red as soon as you arrive from the previous red light
    picking the shortest line at a toll booth or supermarket checkout -- and watching the others pass you by
    playing by the rules and watching the outlaws pass you by
    man's treachery toward his fellow-creatures
    raising and nurturing good-natured cows, pigs and chickens so they can become DINNER
    killing rhinos for their horns
    killing elephants for their tusks
    killing baby seals for their fur
    killing employees for their productivity
    the National Rifle Association
    the fact that it's easier in the U.S. to obtain handguns than Cuban cigars
    the oil cartel
    U.S. alliances and wars motivated by the sweet smell of oil
    the tobacco industry profiting from the slow suicides of smokers
    people who start smoking to be cool, then sue tobacco companies when they develop lung cancer
    the fact that tobacco ever caught on in the first place ("Why would anyone stick burning leaves in his mouth?," asked the cynic)
    the fact that tobacco is more profitable than book publishing
    the fact that nearly ANY industry is more profitable than book publishing
    exploitation of resources, including human resources
    the term "human resources" (we are not BAUXITE!)
    billion-dollar sportswear companies that profit from exploiting child labor
    clear-cutting the rainforests to make room for McDonald's beef cattle
    excessive hysteria over snail darters and northern spotted owls
    insufficient hysteria over the approaching extinction of tigers, pandas, gorillas and other first-rate mammals
    Greenpeace (skip the '60s poetics -- just tell us what you do)
    Pentagon spending habits; e.g., $640 toilet seats and $76 screws
    the contractors who charge $640 per toilet seat and $76 per screw
    being drafted
    boot camp: sadomasochism as a character-builder
    being expected to die for a country you can't locate on a map
    bombing the wrong village
    being killed by "friendly fire"
    being killed one day before the truce is signed
    being hit by a bus one day after returning to civilian life
    the raunchy brutality of urban life
    drug pushers
    street gangs
    muggers who shoot you for a cigarette or a pair of sneakers
    welfare mothers raising FUTURE welfare mothers
    welfare fathers who sire six children by six different women
    ghetto dwellers blaming their problems on racism
    middle-class blacks encountering REAL racism when they move out of the ghetto
    the fact that most stereotypes contain a grain of truth that keeps them alive: emotional Italians; smart, aggressive Jews; hot-blooded Latins; beguiling, hard-drinking Irish; disciplined, regimented Germans and Japanese; inbred rednecks
    not being allowed to say that blacks have rhythm or superior athletic skill -- despite all the compelling evidence in their favor
    not being allowed to talk about Jewish cultural influence -- despite the likelihood that the 20th century will be remembered as a Jewish Renaissance
    the fact that Jewish sensitivities may have been conditioned by 2000 years of nonstop anti-Semitism
    "Some of my best friends are [fill in the blank]"
    the fact that every oppressed minority group likes to think it suffered more than every other oppressed minority group
    Holocaust museums, AIDS quilts and other public statements of victimhood
    the fact that we still NEED Holocaust museums, AIDS quilts and other public statements of victimhood
    symbolic protests with live people masquerading as dead bodies
    demands of amnesty by whining political agitators (if you don't want to be arrested, don't commit a crime)
    '60s radicals who used the Vietnam War as an excuse to promote Marxism
    '60s radicals who became Wall Street tycoons
    '60s radicals who still wear tie-dyed shirts and sandals
    liberals whose friends are exclusively upper-middle class
    conservatives whose friends are exclusively upper-middle class
    male chauvinism
    female chauvinism
    psychoanalysts who keep their patients coming back for 20 years
    patients who still hope for a cure after being psychoanalyzed for 20 years
    group therapy: a less expensive cure that doesn't work
    electroshock therapy: a quicker cure that doesn't work
    finally going crazy
    psychiatrists who are crazier than their patients
    finding happiness only after getting a lobotomy
    being labeled a "former mental patient" for life
    "sensitivity" training and other forms of brainwashing
    psychobabble: the standardization of introspection
    codependency and other pop-psychology concepts designed to sell books
    the fact that there wouldn't be so many self-help books if any of them worked
    anyone associated with the O.J. Simpson trial who wrote a book
    O.J. Simpson
    20-year-old Hollywood starlets who form their own production companies
    Hollywood agents of any age
    the "A" list for Hollywood parties
    the people who decide who's on the "A" list
    Hollywood movies after "Star Wars"
    sequels to blockbusters
    bad movies based on old TV shows
    the fact that those bad movies become blockbusters anyway
    Julia Roberts, highest-paid film actress of all time
    The fact that the highest-paid actress used to be Demi Moore until Julia Roberts replaced her
    the fact that it would take the average U.S. worker more than six centuries to earn what the top male stars receive for one film
    the fact that Michael Ovitz received five times that much when he was fired from Disney
    the fact that Michael Eisner received more than five times as much as Ovitz in ONE DAY, when he cashed in his Disney stock options
    the symbolism of Pia Zadora buying and demolishing Pickfair, once the grandest mansion in Beverly Hills
    overreliance on special effects in mainstream Hollywood films
    too much @$&#*!% profanity in mainstream Hollywood films
    knee-jerk contempt for religion in mainstream Hollywood films
    knee-jerk contempt for Hollywood by the religious right
    films that depict Jesus as a blue-eyed Nordic
    "To him that hath, more shall be given"
    the old-boy network
    the tendency of high-school in-crowders to become adult in-crowders
    being snubbed by the in-crowd because of your looks, clothes, taste in music, or weird family
    being snubbed by a friend in the presence of in-crowders
    teachers who embarrass you in front of the entire class
    students who embarrass teachers in front of the entire class
    homework in every subject
    teachers' pets
    the worship of student athletes (except in cross-country, wrestling, golf and fencing)
    the importance of being selected as a cheerleader
    parents who murder cheerleaders who were selected over their own kids
    wanting to be considered cool: the root of all teenage vices
    the inexplicable vogue for multiple pierced body parts, including tongues
    peer pressure (ask any lemming)
    being taunted for being virtuous
    having to worry that you're gay if you're still a virgin at 18
    having to think your entire future will be determined by your college board scores
    being rejected by your #1 college
    being rejected by your #2 college
    being rejected by every college except your "safety" school
    being rejected by your "safety" school
    going to your #1 college -- and hating it
    bickering with the college administration
    crass college students who major in merchandising or finance
    idealistic college students who major in history, philosophy or French (turn back before the world devours you!)
    being stuck with a roommate from hell
    the hell you have to go through to pledge a fraternity
    fraternities in general
    sororities in general
    fraternity boys who become top executives
    private university graduates who look down on state university graduates
    state university graduates who look down on state college graduates
    state college graduates who look down on community college graduates
    high school dropouts who earn more than all of them
    mom-and-pop businesses driven out by shopping malls
    mom-and-pop businesses driven out by designer boutiques and tattoo parlors
    what it takes to succeed
    motivational seminars that promise easy success
    the fact that the easiest way to succeed is to give motivational seminars
    consulting: the art of succeeding while unemployed
    the success of writers and artists who sell out
    the wretchedness of writers and artists who don't
    tenure for scholars: freedom to be mediocre
    being denied tenure
    semiotics, deconstructionism, and similar vehicles for academic obfuscation
    Afrocentrism (sorry, the Egyptians weren't black)
    Women's Studies (sorry, women aren't an ethnic group)
    the shameful exclusion of non-Western cultures from old history textbooks
    the overemphasis on non-Western cultures in current textbooks
    the term "Third World" ("How come we never hear about the First and Second Worlds?," asked the cynic)
    Montezuma's revenge
    what the Spaniards did to Montezuma
    trying to convert the heathens
    selling refrigerators to Eskimos
    having to call Eskimos "Inuit"
    having to call Burma "Myanmar"
    having to call Dave Barry "America's favorite humorist"
    the fact that Tom Cruise is more famous than John Adams or Charlemagne
    the fact that MTV is more famous than the 3,000-year-old nation of Armenia
    Planet Hollywood
    the Hard Rock Cafe
    gawking tourists who wear Hard Rock Cafe t-shirts
    supermarket tabloids
    people who buy tabloids and complain about paparazzi
    Calvin Klein ads (what exactly are we selling here?)
    reading about the triumphs of the shallow in "People" magazine
    the term "beautiful people" used without irony
    chic: the triumph of style over substance
    55-year-old celebrities who try to look 30
    cosmetic surgery
    Michael Jackson, self-made alien
    Michael Jackson's marriages
    Michael Jackson's peculiar friendship with Elizabeth Taylor
    Elizabeth Taylor's marriages
    the publicity uses of entering the Betty Ford Clinic
    alcoholism as a "disease"
    gambling as a "disease"
    AIDS as a "civil rights issue"
    the sad last days of discarded celebrities
    tabloids that exploit the sad last days of discarded celebrities
    the woes of former child stars
    the warped ambitions of stage parents
    the futile ambitions of would-be writers
    the fact that nobody reads literature anymore
    the fact that Walt Disney World is the biggest single tourist attraction in the U.S.
    the disappearance of classical music radio stations
    the perplexing success of the ugliest pop music
    the inevitable triumph of energy over refinement
    the fact that cultured men today are predominantly gay
    the fact that heterosexual men today are predominantly uncultured
    the fact that single men have to feel suspect if they're cultured
    men who regard women as sex toys
    smart middle-aged women who regard uneducated young men as sex toys
    middle-aged alpha males with trophy wives
    women who praise sensitive men but fall for alpha males
    men who demand that their women look like Barbie
    women who demand that their men be "financially secure"
    crude, lascivious men who leer at women, make jokes about breasts, etc., etc.
    hip, contemporary women who leer at men, make jokes about penises, etc., etc.
    the comical ineptness of intellectual men in the real world
    the shrill fascism of intellectual feminists who denounce our rigid "phallocentric" institutions, like grammar, sex and rocket science
    the condescension of older businessmen toward the "little ladies"
    women who characterize flirtation as sexual harassment
    men who characterize sexual harassment as flirtation
    the male double standard: it's OK for men (but not women) to fool around
    female double standards: it's OK for women (but not men) to bash the opposite sex, have their own colleges and clubs, whine, let their spouses support them, etc., etc.
    the fact that everything ultimately boils down to sex
    the fact that sex fuels the egos of people whose egos don't need fueling
    kinky sex (isn't "normal" sex kinky enough?)
    impotence: nature's way of telling a man he doesn't deserve to get lucky
    faked orgasms: woman's way of telling a man he's luckier than he deserves to be
    potential lovers who tell you about the "great sex" they had with a previous lover
    current lovers who are having "great sex" with somebody else but don't tell you about it
    current lovers who are having "great sex" with somebody else and DO tell you about it
    the inventiveness of women's excuses for saying no
    the inventiveness of men's arguments for persuading a woman to say yes
    sexual starvation
    watching people who are dorkier than you get all the sex they want
    having to practice safe sex
    having to practice salesmanship to get sex
    the depth of conversations at singles bars
    the depth of conversations in online chat rooms
    the depth of conversations in most marriages
    replays of the same spats
    breaking up after making up
    being dumped by someone you love
    being dumped for your best friend
    being dumped for your mate's best friend
    being dumped as part of your mate's latest career move
    "Can't we just be friends?"
    watching your ex-mate get lucky while your heart is still broken
    searching for new mate so you have another chance to experience all of the above
    the lamentable decline of romance
    the unlamented demise of Western Civilization
    the survival of tuberculosis bacilli and political parties
    big government: a charity funded by legalized extortion
    taxation without representation
    taxation WITH representation
    representative government masquerading as democracy
    Washington insiders
    dinner parties for Washington insiders
    buying an ambassadorship
    foreign ambassadors with 137 parking tickets who claim diplomatic immunity
    backslappers and palm-greasers
    congressmen who sell out to lobbyists
    presidents who sell out to lobbyists
    political cronies appointed to high office
    the politicians who appoint the appointees
    political scandals
    cover-ups of scandals
    press coverage of cover-ups of scandals
    the blindness of the press toward JFK's scandals
    the bloodlust of the press in covering Nixon's one scandal
    candidates for the U.S. presidency since 1960
    candidates for local office in every era
    selling favors for campaign contributions: political prostitution
    making impossible campaign promises: political courtship
    committing impeachable offenses: political adultery
    being impeached: political divorce proceedings
    photo opportunities and sound bites
    spin doctors
    mudslinging as a viable campaign strategy
    pollsters' and psychics' predictions
    corporate earnings forecasts
    investors who bail out of a company because it earned $1.24 per share instead of $1.26 per share
    companies that downsize because they earned $1.24 per share instead of $1.26 per share
    the stock market soaring on news of higher unemployment
    going on unemployment yourself
    mortgages and other long-term, life-sapping obligations, like marriage
    having to pay alimony and child support
    not receiving alimony and child support
    staying single because you think the other option is even worse
    having to think of yourself as "unfit" if you don't propagate your genes
    looking at some of the people who DO propagate their genes
    watching a billion years of evolution sputter out when you die childless
    knowing that all your knowledge and experiences will evaporate when you die
    being dead
    being embalmed
    being displayed at an open-casket funeral
    eternal damnation
    purgatory ("What's the point?," asked the cynic. "We've already been there.")
    reincarnation (damned if I'm taking calculus again!)
    past-life regression therapy
    foot reflexology
    spirit channeling
    energy vortexes
    good karma and bad karma
    false idols
    pop idols
    the artist formerly known as Prince
    the company still known as Microsoft
    landing on Boardwalk with a hotel on it
    not passing "GO"
    not winning
    not even breaking even
    the fact that virtue is rarely rewarded
    that the rewards usually go to the wrong people
    that good things don't last
    that bad things never go away
    that nothing you do in this life will matter 10,000 years from now
    that nothing you do in this life will matter 10 years from now
    that nearly everything you do is dictated by your genes
    that you'll never have enough time to do everything you want
    that everything declines eventually, including you
    the decline of language
    the decline of art
    the decline of decency
    puritanism: lusting to prevent others from lusting
    searching for happiness
    searching for kindred spirits
    searching for love
    searching for self-esteem
    searching for the meaning of life
    searching for a flashlight with live batteries
    searching for answers
    never finding the answers
    not wanting to find the answers
    realizing that the answers will always elude you if you search for them
    knowing that you're still clueless after all these years
    realizing that all the wise men, philosophers and self-help authors were clueless, too
    knowing that the world is going to fall apart eventually
    not caring if the world falls apart
    © 1997-2001 by Rick Bayan.

    Tuesday, January 17, 2006

    One thing Freud was right about....

  • The Madonna Whore Complex

  • "More typically in healthy relationships, sex improves
    with time and shared experiences. Addictive sex, on the other hand,
    wanes with increased knowledge of the other person
    because it no longer provides escape from buried feelings."
    -- Charlotte D. Kasl, Ph.D. in Women, Sex, and Addiction

    Monday, January 16, 2006

    Excerpts from dating mail

    Take a look some of the best and worst emails...

    1) guess you did'nt like my mug, I liked your's , take care Phil. ( at least hes intelligent)

    2)I'm certainly not boring, I am intelligent, have a very good job, I have no criminal record I don't do drugs and best of all I haven't killed anyone either ( great..what about this little problem called your face though?)

    3) why not just pretend like we're in some dimly-lit place ( can I barf now?)and we've just exchanged real smiles.
    If that were the case I'd probably find out what you're drinking, set us up with a couple, ( a couple of swingers you mean?) then ask you what you do for living, what you find interesting about it. ( what do you think I find interesting about work? answer...fuck all!!)
    If I had the impression that you were pretty sound, I might try to find out your favourite colour or something. Who knows? ( Im not sound..thank god)

    (This is my favorite email yet...)

    4)Going by what I remember of your list.... here goes!
    -Confident but not arrogant.... for example, walking into a bar knowing your the best looking there... but just not saying it.
    -Dominant but not controlling... Hmmmmm, there is a time and a place to tell eachother what to do.
    Emotionally availiable...... Yep, got that covered
    Financially Stable..... Define stable please.
    Bad in a good way..... is that like "Phat" not "Fat"????? (ha, ha)
    And edge....... they don't call me the razor for nothing...(OK, THAT WAS A JOKE...REALLY!!!!)
    Leader......... absolutly (don't hold this against me later!)
    Strong but not cold.....as every good leader is.
    LOYAL.......... no problem....Seriously, hey just cause I'm a guy!!!!
    Spontaneous..... Oh boy, likely on the extreme side
    Most important... Brains. Well, you'll have to be the judge on that one, I think I'm border line genius... However, bias opinion.
    the do not contact list.... I almost pee'd my pants laughing. (you know that just doesn't sound right for a grown man to say!)
    Drug addict... nope
    Booze.... rye and coke kinda guy, but not every day!
    federal convict... let me check and see if my charges were federal !!
    Gay... I did kiss a boy once for 20 bucks.. does that count??
    Broke.... sometimes Unemployed..... well... Self employed
    Valid Drivers licence..check !
    Dying...aren't we all??? but not any faster than the next guy.
    Fantasizing about under age girls...... You have had some bad lava experiances!
    Male Prostitute.... Nope
    Hate women.... if I did, then I would have to cuddle with boys.. and that just doesn't paint a pretty picture.
    Hate children... If I did, when I read the last line of your profile I likely wouldn't have started this little novel.
    Killed someone...... Ya but they totally deserved it.

    ( Next up the worst conversation in my entire online dating career....)

    You look great and I fit your criteria, but tell me you're not as negative as your prifile seems.
    Im not negative..Im cynical, there's a difference.
    Good to hear. Yup, there definitely is a difference...Important distinction. Sounds like you have your guard up, too which isn't necessarily a bad thing. As long is it's coming from a good place (good self esteem), I really dig strength and independence in a woman.
    Wanna play a little game? I just thought of this. How would you complete this sentence?
    [A few/Some/All] men are selfish jerks?
    You ARE kidding me right???
    I hope this is a trick question?
    Sorry, but in good conscience, I will not answer that question..
    I can tell you I do not hate men...is this sufficient?
    A "game" for you....
    Repeat the word condescending 5 times
    Clap your hands
    Do a 360 degree spin
    Clap your hands again
    Hold a head stand for 3 minutes..followed by the splits
    Stand up and do the radio dance all the way back to your pc...and then get back to me.
    ( I actually was so certain he wouldnt be emailing back, when to my astonishment (cough) he proves me wrong)
    :-) Wow, those were some serious hoops, but I'm back now.
    Not trying to be condescending...it's tough to get a feel for somebody online, and the only info I have to go on is a few sentences and a list of "don't"'s. I had to ask, and think it was a fair question.

    PS I have to be honest....my coworkers said I only stayed on my head for 2:45.
    (damn it I should have ordered him to do a permanent headstand.....)

    Saturday, January 14, 2006

  • At Least We Tried
  • Friday, January 13, 2006

  • Attraction Theory
  • "People do not attract that which they want, but that which they are."

    Monday, January 02, 2006

    Me looking healthy before the party..and the poison

    Sunday, January 01, 2006

    My dear friends Steven, and Leah....

    So much for a "quiet" New Years eve!!!!!